You Never Listen! – How to Connect with Your Teen Without Lectures: Tips From a Teen Therapist
Written by Christoffer Loderup, Therapist at Shade Tree Family Counseling
Raise your hand if you've ever heard someone say raising teens is "the worst." Now, keep your hand up if you personally are feeling the weight of worry about your own teenager's choices and the growing distance between you. You're not alone. Navigating adolescence is tough for everyone involved, but it doesn't have to be a constant battle. The good news? The key to a stronger connection and positive influence lies in how you listen.
Understanding Your Teen's Needs
Teens are on a journey of self-discovery, wrestling with emotions, independence, and a desire to make their own mark on the world. While they crave autonomy and decision-making, they also deeply need support. So, how do we offer support when they seem like they want nothing but space? Enter the power of active listening.
Active Listening: Your Secret Weapon
Active listening isn't just about hearing words; it's about connecting with their emotions and experiences. It's about creating a safe space where they feel heard and understood, even when you disagree. Here's how:
Be Present: Put away distractions and show genuine interest. Your teen deserves your undivided attention.
Reflect, Don't React: Instead of launching into advice or solutions, summarize what you heard and validate their feelings. "So it sounds like you're feeling frustrated because..." or "I can see you're worried about..."
Seek Deeper Understanding: Be curious. Ask questions that help you better understand your teen. Encourage elaboration." Can you help me understand why you feel anxious about…?" or "What are you hoping will happen now?"
Avoid Advice: There’s a place for advice, but it isn't when you’re listening. Advice can communicate that you don’t want to understand them or that you see them as incapable of solving their own problems. Teens want to solve their own problems. And listening gives them a safe space to explore ideas to do so. Be careful your questions aren’t really just advice: “What’s the positive in this situation?” or “How can you be more considerate of your friend’s feelings here?”.
Leave Judgment at the Door: Remember, your goal is connection, not control. Listen without criticism or blame.
Remember
Active listening is a skill and it takes practice. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't work perfectly every time. Be patient, consistent, and genuinely open to their world. The rewards of a stronger, more trusting relationship are worth the effort.
Ready to Start Connecting With Your Teen?
Your next step is to find opportunities to listen to your teen. Your teen may like a direct approach; ask them to go out to eat with you, or ask them to go on a walk with you. If your teen would bristle at that, you might have to be a little sneakier. Find times you can spend one-on-one time with them: when you’re picking them up from soccer practice, when they’re getting ready for bed, etc.
You’ve Got This!
Despite their "too-cool" facade, your teen craves your love and support. Understanding your teen and giving them a space to explore their thoughts without judgment is huge! As you practice and work to understand your teen, your sincerity will shine through, and your relationship with blossom.
Want Help From a Teen Therapist?
If you're ready to build a deeper connection with your teen, but unsure about where to start, I can help! As a teen therapist who specializes in working with teens and their parents, I can help you navigate the challenges of improving your relationship. I can provide a safe space and guidance as you practice using these listening skills. Additionally, sometimes relationships have been damaged so far that applying these skills isn’t enough to turn things around. If you’d like help with these things, don’t hesitate to reach out to schedule an appointment at Shade Tree Counseling. You can contact me here:
Ready to Work With a Teen Therapist in Salt Lake City, UT?
Work with a teen therapist to decode the intricate language of your adolescent's emotions, creating a safe space at Shade Tree Counseling where vulnerability thrives. Through teen counseling, navigate the turbulent waters of adolescence, fostering empathy and connection to bridge the gap between parent and teenager, forging a bond built on trust and mutual understanding. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if Teen Counseling is right for your child
Begin meeting with a skilled teen therapist
Start connecting with your teen without lecturing!
Other Services Offered at Shade Tree Family Counseling
At Shade Tree Family Counseling, we want to provide support for the whole family. So in addition to helping you and your teen connect with teen counseling, our team offers EMDR-Trauma Therapy for those struggling to overcome past trauma and want help with healing, and Teen Group Therapy for teens looking for extra support from those their own age. For more about teen counseling check out our blog!